She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
