captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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