I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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