Don't you send me to vm
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
