$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
