Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
