Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize