At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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