i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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