allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize