Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
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