So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
