i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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