shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
