He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
