I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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