I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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