dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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