Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
