I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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