textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
