Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize