I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
