We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
