the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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