I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
FUCK WHALES
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
