I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
