Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Dicks are not precious.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
