just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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