Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
In America we eat man semen.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
