You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
