my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize