I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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