youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
