there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Randomize
