I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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