The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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