I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
