Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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