You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
