I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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