I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
