No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
