How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
