i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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