I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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