it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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