can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
