Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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