Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
