Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
