found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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