Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
