Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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