You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
